….would be a lot easier if you came with a instruction manual!!
I for sure have trust issues, most of my past relationships have been for lack of better words messy, out of control, and have made me a beast when it comes to relationships!! I am insecure, and I am jealous. And I tend to ruin every relationship that the boys I was dating didn’t ruin first!! I have been in love a total of three times in my life – well aside from the premature I love you’s we all threw around like we were saying hello and goodbye!! I have been lied to and cheated on, I have had someone kiss me goodbye leaving for work, and come home married to someone else. I have met good men, I have met great men. But something always attracted me to that guy that would use me, hit me, who was into drugs, partying, I didn’t want to grow up…. so I kept chasing boys. Many many many failed relationships in between – some worth a memory – some even a place in my heart!!! In my current relationship (remember I said I was going to be a blushing bride in 2012) I find things about him that make me feel like I am the only girl in the world for him, he put this diamond on my finger – he loves me – right!!! See here is where this story is coming from, the other day I found a pair of girl panties in his laundry, he does have a female roommate and well she is a whole bunch of trouble she thinks we shouldn’t be together – and he has a ex girlfriend whom they have remained friends, and she told me one day she was the perfect girl for him, and I would be gone just like the other girls and I would be gone – and goodness it just sounds like a jealous ex girlfriend. What started my insecurities is when we dated, he would sometimes compare us, and even after she placed doubt about our relationship he still continued a friendship with her like nothing happened – The reason that I am writing this blog is because I want to air it out, close the door on it and my past and move on to my bright future with my future husband and our wonderful children!! So when I found the underware I thought the roommate for sure, but then the following day he made comment about his mother hugging him so his coat smelled like perfume – if you are anything like me you feel punched in when the stomach you feel like this is another cheater another liar……but that isn’t what my gut is telling me!! My gut is telling me I will walk down the aisle I will live happily ever after. I just don’t understand why I can’t get over my insecurities!! I am going to tell you some stories about my past some of you know some are going to be shocked and some may feel sorry for me, DONT feel sorry for me, I put myself in them situations and I went back, I don’t believe that I deserved any of that but I do know that it made me stronger. And it made me a better person today –
My first love how sweet it is to say was the boy I thought I would marry (I am sure that everyone thought that) I was living my own life, paying my own bills, raising our child, and then it hit me why exactly was I doing all of this alone….welcome to adult hood!!! Because we decided to have sex to early, we decided we could raise a baby, yet I was the only one doing anything while he slept till noon, smoked weed, cheated on me, used my car, my money, my house, and in the end my pride!!! One day enough was enough I remember that day exactly when my girlfriend was about to have her baby and she sat me down to have “a talk” she told me it only happened once and she was sorry he was wrong for me and there was a good chance that he could be the father of her baby!! I can honestly say at that moment I fell right out of love in the mind in the heart is was I cant eat, I cant sleep, I couldn’t barely breathe, I felt like I couldn’t, wouldn’t or shouldn’t ever love again!! And for a very very long time I didn’t. I dated but never got serious I focused on myself, my education, my work and my child. I didnt want or need anything else I thought and well it worked for me!!!
Until I met who I thought was Mr. Right, I couldn’t figure out what a guy like that wanted a plain girl like me!! (when I say plain I was actually smoking hot 5ft tall under 100 pounds) but after my past relationship I didn’t think at that time I was beautiful. He was very fast to say I love you, I however waited my heart was still wounded and I wanted to make sure that I really meant it before I said it because that was a big deal to me as I grew older. He was amazing to me he wanted me to have a nicer car so he talked me into selling my car with the profits going toward jet skis, my new car was amazing in his name of course I didn’t even think twice about that. He told me all the great reasons we should live together, and who could argue with him and that smile. Why pay two rents when we can pay one, why pay two light bills when we are together every night, can you imagine the money we will save on car insurance. How could I argue a week later I was packing up my daughter and moving 40 minutes from my family, friends and anything I knew!!! Shortly after he was spoiling me or so I thought buying me new clothes, I didn’t really like the new clothes but after he spent all that money on me how could I not wear them and smile. I guess they were okay clothes!! I liked my hair but he thought this new style was cute and we should just try it, awe I could be a little cuter of course I would try it for him. I was being controlled and I didn’t even realize it. Now I will say I had a good life, I had a nice house, nice things, but what was under that was not so nice. One day the phone rang, honestly I lived there almost a year and never heard the phone ring. I didn’t even know we had a phone! I kinda thought it was funny, looking all over the house to find this hidden phone. Darn I missed the call! I went on with my daily chores as he liked to call them since he thought it was better for me to stay home to care for my daughter instead of work, how thoughtful. I completely forgot to mention the mysterious phone call as my daughter and I were getting ready for bed and he was going out again. He always smelled so good going out, why didn’t he want to stay home and let me smell him? Oh well he works so hard he deserves a time out I thought!! Days went by and my chores were done my daughter was down for her nap and I thought to call my mom. I went to the bedside table in the guest room and opened the door – um no phone – I swear there was a phone there maybe I was crazy maybe I just missed everyone and wanted someone to call me. I was sleeping before he got home that night, I would talk about the “phone” tomorrow. The following day is a day I will never forget in my life no matter hard I try if I could rip it out of my brain I would, and I still think that I would remember this day. I heard that phone ring again….thank god I am not crazy I could call my mom, I ran to the phone now that I knew where it was and quickly said hello – silence – they hung up. I thought that was weird, I called my mom and had a great talk telling her all about our new things and mostly about the weird secret phone. I had to go to finish my chores I was for sure going to tell him about my conversation tonight, right as I hung up the phone rang and I grabbed it all goofy and silly (thinking it was my mom calling back) but the voice on the other end of the line was very familiar to me, shaking and quivering I could tell she was crying. I said her name she was shocked I knew who she was, I began to panic was everything okay – WAIT – how did she have this number when I didn’t even know I had a phone. I began questioning her like crazy, what was the matter, why she was crying, was it her grandma, please just tell me what is going on. She hung up – I called back – repeatedly over and over and over I am sure at least 20 or more times before she finally picked up and screamed LEAVE ME ALONE! I was so confused – what the hell was going on – well if she wanted to be left along I guess alone she would be. I was sitting on the couch when he came home from work but boy was I in for a surprise that night the girl I thought was my best friend, the only girl I trusted all my secrets in was being yanked into our house our home by her hair. She was crying I was so confused, I grabbed my daughter to put her in the room and hit the floor, I woke to her crying I jumped to my feet to lunge toward my child and was pushed to the couch everyone was crying all of us girls anyway I yelled “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!!” He replied well since you bitches wanna talk than I am gonna let you bitches talk!! Talk I said hell I haven’t talked to her in months she called today but she didn’t say much – he hit me again I honestly thought my ear was going to explode with that hit. He got so close to my face that I could feel how warm his breathe was he said “YOU TOUCHED MY PHONE” and hit me again. That time I didn’t wake up for quite sometime. But when I did my whole nightmare began, I sat legs crossed on the couch face bruised ear still sore I couldn’t even really hear out of it. I smiled at him (while thinking oh my god hes fucking crazy) “Where is my baby?” I asked thinking that would surely calm him down I wanted to leave I wanted an excuse he said well Mary(I will call the best friend for sake of this entry Mary) took her to your moms. She will be home Sunday, what day is this I thought….Wednesday…Oh my god I could be dead before Sunday. He asked me to make him food, and of course I complied I couldn’t stand to be hit again. I stood there cooking wondering what in the hell was going on, none of this really made sense to me. Well… I guess in a way it made sense, maybe her and I were not supposed to talk, but why? At that point I wasn’t sure why but I sure the hell was going to find out. I thought I was going to be brave to be honest maybe I wasn’t thinking, I slammed his plate down in front of him cracking the edge… I said so wanna tell me what the fuck is going on now or you just gonna hit me again. Does it feel good to hit a girl, does it make you feel like a man???? I guess it did because the next thing I knew I was on the floor again. I got up I just walked out of the room I was done, I went for the phone I wanted to leave, I wanted someone to come and get me. No phone again… what the hell!! I shut myself into my room until I heard the door shut I peeked out and Mary was back… and her face looked a lot like mine… He yelled for us both to come into the living room and of course we went I was mentally, physically, and emotionally drained. I just wanted this over!! He sat us both down and I noticed Mary had a different hair cut I liked her hair better before, as I ran my hand threw my hair. He told Mary to tell me why she was there, her story sounded like mine but in her house, he had us both….but she wanted what I had she wanted the house, the car, the clothes, the nightly attention… it occurred to me that she was the one he got smelly for, but why?? I did everything that he asked me too and more, I was a good girlfriend, he told me so. Mary explained how they would laugh together about the phone and how stupid I was, he used that phone to call her god that’s how she had that phone number. She told me that he had forgotten to take the phone one day and called it to see if I would answer, and I did and because I didn’t tell him that is why I got my ass beat he laughed. I forgot I said I wanted to tell you but it slipped my mind I was still so confused by all of this. He screamed CONTINUE which made both Mary and I jump to attention. Mary told me that since the night we all met, they had been seeing each other. I was the good one, the one he could take home, the one who took care of him, the pretty one… all these things she said tears streaming down her face!! I said.. Mary your pretty too!! Why did I defend her, why did I even care about her – what did all of this mean?? I just looked at him and said “Should I pack my things? If she wants this it’s all her!!!” He said YEP! pack your things get the fuck out of my house (honestly if would have told me to stay I would have I honestly didn’t know any better) But I jumped to my feet, he was just going to let me leave okay I am gone. I grabbed few things I didn’t care I just wanted outta there. There I stood at the Wendy’s off some expressway I didn’t know how to get home, I didn’t even have a home, I couldn’t remember the last time I went anywhere – I collect called my mother to come and get me giving her the best of my knowledge of the area basically just crying and begging her to come get me. It took me a long time to figure out the brain washing that he gave me. But it didn’t stop that night every time I would go out somehow he knew and would call me and he would be sorry and I would feel bad I missed him of course I did and of course I went back. This went on for a few years I had enough, I went to a party with a group of friends I had a blast I have to say one of the best times of my life. I told him I was done, I wanted better, I didn’t want that for myself – I broke the mirror off and never looked back!!!
I have fallen in love recently, it’s a feeling I never felt before. I am falling slowly but I feel very fast, I fall in love with him a little more every single day. It is weird for the first time in my life I have been a hundred percent sure that this is the person that I am going to spend the rest of my life with. It’s the love we have all looked for, the feel it in the knees when he kisses me, the kiss that beats all bases loaded knock one outta the park kinda hit of the baseball. It’s the love that I have always been waiting for, it’s amazing, it’s priceless, and it’s by far the best thing that has happened to me in a really long time. The reason I needed to close the door on all of this, is because I need to realize the way to put my insecurities to the side, and live for the moment and feel the love that has been given to me. It’s amazing to feel this way, and I would hate to screw it up over my past!! Leave the past in the past and live for the now – and dream about the future!! Life is to short to dwell on the past!!
…..would chose a dead beat man over their own flesh and blood, their own child?!?!?!?!?!?!
I have been grounded to my room for most of the evening, as silly as that sounds…I have actually kind of enjoyed the quiet time catching up on my past shows from the DVR. Why was I grounded to my room, it’s very simple the big screen television is in the living room and well video games are just better on the big screen!!! I know some of you are smiling and some shaking your head at me thinking I am crazy- but my children are good children (most of the time) they attend school regular, and get good grades – if they want to play video games on the big tv, I dont think that is too much to ask for!!! And like I said before I kinda enjoy the quiet time gathering my thoughts. I was reading a friends blog the other day and he said something that has stuck in my mind since he was writing about people being criminally stupid and what was said/done to make them act the way they do, or do the things they do (his was in regards to a man committing suicide after a fight with his wife) I know this entry is kind of all over the place but It will tie all together once I get to my point (clearly my writers block has lifted even if just a short period of time).
So I am flipping through the guide looking for something to watch and this show Deadly Women seems interesting on Investigation Discovery, so I turn it on. Right away I am familiar with the story they are talking about – A woman from Rowlett Texas, who was found guilty of murdering her 2 young children Damon and Devin because she was tired of her husband Daren paying more attention to the boys, she was tired of all of her money being spent to better the children’s lives – basically she thought by eliminating her children her life of lavish and riches would come back to her – she elaborated this story about a man breaking into her home and stabbing her two small children and attempting to slit her wrist she inflicted superficial wounds upon herself to “make her story more believable” Her name is Darlie Routier and she is currently on death row awaiting execution. She still claims she is innocent, so we may never know what went through her mind before, during and after killing her children. (if you would like to read more about this story if you are not familiar here is a link – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Darlie_Routier )
Another story of a mother who killed her children because she was “unhappy” in her marriage, and her new boyfriend thought of her “children” as inconvenience to their new budding relationship. I ask myself all of the time what went through her head when she decided to drive her children into a lake ending their life because a man thought of them as a inconvenience. I am sure a lot of people remember Susan Smith from Union South Carolina. She killed her two children Michael and Alexander. I just cant wrap my head around thoughts of someone hurting their own children being a mother myself. (here is a link for more information – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Susan_Smith )
Now the purpose of this blog was to not talk about woman killing their children I was just kinda painting a picture about the way that peoples minds think, now I will explain what I have been bothered with. I have a friend and I use that term lightly whom has a few children whom I treat as family I treat them as they are my own children, so when one of them the eldest asked to live with me for the remainder of the school year because her mother again I use that term loosely moved from the district. I of course agreed under a few conditions, it had to be legal and she had to help financially – let me explain a little into this – the child’s father passed away and she receives survivor benefits from that about 750.00 a month – I asked for 200.00 a month!! Anyways week one goes by her mother gives me nothing picks her up for the weekend, brings her back great. Following week picks her up for a doctor appt. I ask do you have money for me (mind you this week I as well paid for the child’s school pictures) she gives me a excuse that her now boyfriend doesnt get paid till Monday and she would give me money when she picked her up later that week for the dr. later that week nothing I am not surprised as a matter of fact she doesnt pick her up nor bring her back after her weekend visit. Following week when I ask for money she goes into detail about the now boyfriend starting a new job and how she can give me money on Friday when she picks her up *shocker* she didn’t pick her up, nor dropped her off she had someone else do it. So I sent her a text message and we ended up having quite a conversation. I asked her when she was going to give me money considering it is now going on a month that her child has been here and I haven’t seen any sort of effort from her, she told me that after thinking about it she didnt think that $200.00 a month was in her budget so her child would have to come home (mind you we have already filed legal papers for her to stay and she doesnt want to go back) But I went on to tell her that it honestly wasn’t about the money it was about the fact that we had a discussion a month ago and she said she could and would help and so now I am expecting the money and instead all I got was excuses – she said well she thought she could but she has a lot of bills and I said well you told me when you got paid each month you would give me $100.00 and every other week $50.00 (when the boyfriend got paid) and seeing that she gets $750.00 a month I didn’t think that I was asking for much – THIS NEXT TEXT IS THE ONE THAT FLOORED ME – she said – well she doesn’t get that money I get that money to raise her and I said well but I am raising her she is in my home 20 days a month and yours 10 at best. She said well yeah but I am taking care of everyone herself, her other children, her boyfriend, their child and his brother – wait what – so your telling me you cant afford to help with your child because you are busy supporting yourself, your boyfriend, your guys child, and his brother all while him and his brother are working and they are all living off the childrens surivior benifits – what – so when her daughter got home from her house for the weekend she was telling me all the things they did and planned on doing this week with “the boyfriends” check – I just shook my head – So I handed her my phone and I said just read the text messages so nothing was said that wasnt said or nothing was taken out of context – she cried and asked if she had to go home, my head and logic say yes, but my heart tells me no!! I guess I just have a heart and I cant understand how a mother can just throw her child aside!!!
I remember when sitting at my computer the words would just type themselves onto the screen. I have been sitting here for a hour and can’t think of anything to write about. Nothing exciting happened in my life this past week. I am currently in the search of a new and bigger house since my family is growing. My fiance and I are not going to have anymore children, but I took custody of a friends child recently. I thought it was a good idea and I did it with best intentions, however almost a month into it I feel like its more stress than what it is worth. Her mother doesnt follow through with anything she says that she is going too. I feel like I am going to end up having to fight with her, and in the end its going to cause more drama than it was worth all because her child wanted to go to a different school. I have children, they are my responsibility to raise. Sometimes parents have to make choices, that their children dont agree with for example moving. If you move to a different school district as a parent you enroll your child and raise them, not pass them off to whomever will take them – its crazy!! I am going to close this posting out for now I will be back when the writers block clears – till then XO
All I can say is….it’s been awhile!!
A blog (a blend of the term web log) is a type of website or part of a website. Blogs are usually maintained by an individual with regular entries of commentary, descriptions of events, or other material such as graphics or video. Entries are commonly displayed in reverse-chronological order. Blog can also be used as a verb, meaning to maintain or add content to a blog.
I tend to use my blog as more of a online diary, I choose to remain Anonymous and I will change the names of people involved just to protect privacy of others!! I like to hear opinions, share life stories, but most of all find a place to escape with my thoughts, a place where I don’t have to watch what I say, censor how I feel, or worry about being judged!!! I remember my first blog, I still remember my first entry!!! I found a site on AOL that allowed you to have a journal, I thought well this could be fun. It was 1998 I was a newly single mother of two, my life was full of chaos I was trying to figure out where I stood in life, what my purpose was, and how all the pieces were going to fix together to make my life worth living. I remember my first entry was called – Life’s Puzzle, Start on the outside and work my way in!!!! I found it was so easy to talk about the things on my mind, good bad, happy or sad. The computer always listened the advice was always welcomed… and I made friendships like no other!!! Blogging became a passion, a hobby, a way of life, until AOL closed down their journal site… I tried different sites it was never the same – and here I am trying again!!! I am hoping that I can stick with it because I have missed my long lost blog friend.
A little about me!! I am a 30-something female, who at times can be shy, soft spoken, and others loud and obnoxious!! I have met a lot of Mr. Wrongs on this path we call life and have finally met Mr. Right and am planning to be a blushing bride in 2012!!! I am a mommy of three children and a step mother to none. Even tho my future husband has no children he loves and respect mine!!! I am spoiled but not rotten, I am loved to the core, I would do anything for anyone, basically anytime!! I love to watch sports, I yell at the tv like they can hear me cheer, I am a reality tv junkie – I am one of the only people in the world that is so glad the phase didn’t pass!! I believe music is the window to one’s soul!! I believe in wishing on stars, soulmates, love at first site, and practice makes perfect. I am very passionate and I love a good story!! If there is anything else you might want to know – subscribe, leave a comment and ask – I don’t believe in holding back!!!